Day 10- A story about a past relationship.

I must admit, I am a bit perplexed by what to write about today. A past relationship? What does that mean exactly? Should I write about a past romantic relationship? Well, truth be told, I don't have a lot of those. And I don't really want to write about the ones I have. So that is out? A past friendship? Frankly, if the friendship is in the past, there's likely a reason it's in the past, and it should likely stay there. I could talk about someone I lost, but...nah! So, what should I do?

I am going to take a bit of a creative approach with this entry and talk about my relationship with myself in the past.

From what I recall, I was a really cute kid. Right up until about 5th grade. But, when I hit an awkward stage, I hit it hard. And it stuck around. Forever! (or at least what felt like forever) Middle School was rough because I was teased mercilessly. God, middle school kids are ridiculous! I was too tall, I had frizzy hair, I was overweight, and clumsy, and said awkward things, and...you get the picture. There were many tears shed during that time, and with every insult my self esteem dropped a few more points. I don't say this now to make anyone feel bad about how they treated me and how it made me feel. I say this now to own up to the fact that I put far too much weight into their opinions, and it unfortunately shaped and molded my self image for the next decade or so.

The teasing generally disappeared once I got to high school, but I still had a lot of growing to do learning how to love myself for who I am. The ghosts were in my head and told me daily that I wasn't a great athlete or stunningly beautiful or even one of the smart kids. I was just average and would never be anything better. I spent a vast majority of my time comparing myself to the popular girls. I count my blessings today that this only led to minor internal strife and not anything physically damaging. College was better. I mostly stopped comparing myself to others, but I still didn't necessarily feel like anything better than average.

I really think that making the move to Chicago was the beginning of finding myself and loving myself. I finally found a niche that fit me. I was working at a job I was good at and enjoyed very much. I made wonderful friends and was learning all sorts of neat things in school. I was excited by my future and began to finally grow out of my past.

Sadly, I don't know that I've ever really fully grown out of the self doubt. I still get a little self conscious when I'm around the "popular" crowd. (What does that even mean when you're almost 30?) But I can say this. I look at myself now and see a strong, intelligent, beautiful woman with a lot of love to give. I've earned two masters degrees. I have amazing friends. My family is pretty kickass. I do great work at my job and am much appreciated for it. I would generally consider myself a success (as long as you don't measure success in salary, because working for the Lord just doesn't pay!) So, any time those pangs of self doubt and/or hatred start to creep in, I recognize the many, many blessings I have in my life and the wonderful person I've grown to be. And I usually flip an imaginary finger to the ghosts of my past and send them on their way.